Parents have been on my mind lately. Even though the college process is ostensibly all about the student -- since the goal, of course, is to find that perfect-fit school for each individual applicant -- it's the parents who ask questions in the information sessions and tours, who call the office with worries over Early Decision, who lay awake in cold sweats wondering about the potential cost of their little darling's dream school. Navigating the college search is no task for the faint of heart.
Clearly, parents deserve a lot more credit. While much has been published about Helicopter Parents and Tiger Moms, there's much less in the press about smart, supportive parents trying to guide their children into good decisions. To get some advice about the parental role in the college process, I called two experts: my own parents, Patti and Roger. They've dispatched three children through undergrad and I am proud to report that our relationship has endured despite my visible cringing whenever they did something embarrassing, like, say, ask a question during a college visit. (In retrospect, I am so grateful they still talk to me.) Here's what they had to say.
My lovely parents, Patti and Roger, prepared for any calamity.
What should parents do during the college search?
Patti: The main thing is to relax a little. Not that we did that, but in retrospect it would have been nice! Your kid will probably get in someplace good, and if it doesn't turn out to be a match, they can transfer.
Your goal is not to send your kid to college. Your goal is to raise a responsible, competent adult. The status of the college isn't the thing; if there's a place that's a good fit where your child can develop, that's what you want to see. It's helpful to think of an end point. Now that I'm a parent of children in their twenties, I think I focused too much on college without thinking much beyond it.
I did most research for our youngest son. I found the Loren Pope book
Colleges That Change Lives helpful, especially the first couple chapters about what to seek from your education.
Roger: It's important for the parents to sit in on the information sessions -- you get lots of valuable information there. It's important for parents to ask questions even though they know their children will be embarrassed.
Increasingly with schools losing their guidance staffs or condensing them, with one counselor to 5000 kids, parents need to make sure their kids are including a cross section of schools on their lists -- safety schools, etc. -- and encouraging their kids to seek financial aid and consider schools that might be more likely to offer them scholarships. All of the things that guidance counselors used to do are things that parents need to do now.
What are the most important questions for parents to ask during the process?
Patti: Ask about the career services! You want to know about opportunities your child will have to try out different experiences and to hold a job or go to graduate school afterwards. Ask basic things about safety procedures, health services, and opportunities to engage in the larger community.
Roger: Ask about what percentage of graduates are employed within three months of graduation. [Note: Mudd doesn't keep this statistic specifically, but you are welcome to ask about employment plans as of graduation day.] Some people in the sciences are out of work too. There are no guarantees of employment anymore.
When is it okay to let your child make his or her own mistakes? When should the parent step in?
Patti: If your kid isn't doing the work to apply, talk to them about the consequences, and if there's anything else they want to do with their lives. Some need help with organizing. In this case, help your child set up a strategy so you can work with them. Maybe they need a little maturing before they go to college. You may even want to think about a gap year if your kid really isn't ready to apply.
Two of your younger children worked with private college counselors to varying degrees. Can you talk about this decision?
Patti: For our middle child, we just wanted to make sure he had a range of schools he was considering. It was easier for our youngest son to work with someone apart from us. We knew he was disorganized and we figured he needed a little more help to get organized. If you have a child who's more on the ADHD/LD spectrum, then the one thing that is important is to make sure that there are services available for your child. He didn't want to use them, but we felt better knowing they were there.
Any tips for parents as their children go through undergrad?
Roger: One thing I would do over again is I would ask each of you kids to come to an agreement: if we give you all this money to go to college, we want to see your grades. Instead we'd just ask you about your grades and take your word for it. I always had a lot of anxiety about what grades you were actually getting. It's reasonable for a parent to say if I'm paying for school, I want to see your grades. Have this conversation before your kid goes to school. [Note: under the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act, students have sole control over their school records after they turn 18. Hence the need for this conversation.]
I also wonder if most parents have a frank discussion at the outset of the college application process where they talk about their financial status and what they can reasonably afford, what their thoughts are about the kind of school their kid might want to go to, and give their suggestions about what their kids ought to think about in terms of majors, and encouraging them to go along with something that might make some money at the end. How close the school should be, whether your kid will live on campus or not, being open about grades, what your expectations are in terms of staying out of trouble. It's also important to know that your child can handle finances.
Thank you so much, Mom and Dad!
